Breaking it down

So really there has been a reason I haven’t been blogging lately–  
I don’t know for sure why it is but when I figure it out I’ll tell ya :)

Actually the truth is I have been breaking down a lot lately–  Too much stress over too long of a time = 2 hospital visits, freaking out in church, having braxton hicks every 2 min.for days on end, feeling out of control and sick and really not able to do it all or keep on top of anything, giving up but knowing deep down that you can’t, feeling guilty, crying, wanting to do it all and be perfect still, feeling numb— all part of my breaking down :)

I will say I’m doing better now– I’m still a bit of an emotional roller coaster but I blame that on the pregnancy hormones. The thing of the matter is is that I know my life compared to others is a fairy tale and so great and it is blessed and not stressed compared to how it could, but mentally I guess I’m weak– cuz’ I literally broke down- my body wasn’t gonna take it anymore and boy did it tell me- 

I still am trying to be perfect and get everything done to my standards- It’s ingrained in me. I can’t stand to sit still and do nothing-  or watch TV. I love to create things and work hard and see things get done. I just know that when things are pulled together, nice, and organized, life is easier– I can do the extra things and look beyond our family and help others, serve better in my callings, plan for the future, and be more prepared for the future and I don’t break down mentally all the time. But it’s been a long slow road this time and I know H.F. is trying me and wanting me to grow– making me choose and prioritize (which I still suck at) and I want to do what’s right because I know that that is where true happiness is but sometimes I’m still a stubborn sucker and hard hearted wanting to do it my way and feeling that his way is to hard– and in reality I make it so much harder on myself— but that’s life (growing and trying and failing and forgiveness and trying again) I’m still learning and for some reason this time around I get to have my body as a gauge as when I’m letting my priorities get out of line I can feel the stress and it hurts and makes me feel outta control and my hubby grounds me to the bed all day.

So all in all I’m crazy but I want to be perfect- I have high standards/expectations I set on myself and I’m just having to learn to balance and prioritize and take it slower to take care of this new sweet baby I’m growing :) and that’s pretty much the breakdown of what’s been going on :)

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  1. January 30, 2010 at 10:37 pm

    it’s good to know your going to be alright– i was worried you were going to be on bed rest until the baby came- and i thought you would go nutz— hope things get to where you want them -and that maybe if you guys ever move back here we can be friends again…and maybe…just maybe this time i can be a better friend— i miss ya leish!

  2. January 31, 2010 at 4:25 am

    You are so awesome to admit this stuff. It’s hard to even acknowledge when one is having a hard time sometimes, but I just know that you’ll do great(0: I love this post. Thank you for sharing it(0:

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